The interview takes place at the Herzliya apartment of his friends. Sharabi has just returned from another round of meetings abroad, this time in Mexico and the US, and his health is not at its best. The instinct is to embrace this man, who came back from Gaza's inferno gaunt and emaciated after 491 days, having lost what was dearest to him. He urges us not to, to avoid getting infected. In the end, despite all his warnings, we couldn't resist.
"I've hugged thousands of people since being released," he says. "People constantly tell me I give them strength. I keep hearing words like 'inspiration' and 'hero,' but I really don't understand what that means. The real heroes are in rehabilitation at Sheba Medical Center in Tel Hashomer. Go see them. I didn't choose to be kidnapped, I chose to survive. Because not choosing is also a choice."
You're trying to prove to everyone that you're okay.
"Because I really am okay. My body is okay now. It took time to get back to it. I work out every day and do Pilates twice a week."
What does your daily schedule look like?
"Very packed. Lots of lectures in Israel and abroad, lots of meetings. And many hours writing the book. When I lecture in Israel, you see how many people are still in trauma. Not post-trauma - trauma."
And you? You're not traumatized?
"I asked my psychologist, 'Am I messed up? Am I disconnected?' Everyone tells me, 'It's not normal, how do you even get up in the morning?' When I asked if I was disconnected, the answer was a clear no. Am I messed up? She asks, 'What does messed up mean? That's PTSD. You experienced multiple traumas, not just one, and you don't even show a fraction of PTSD symptoms.' I know I'm an outlier among the returned hostages."
Are you angry?
"My psychologist said I am. But I simply don't dwell on anger. Anger gets me nowhere. Not anger, not politics, not sadness or mourning. I don't deal in being sad. All those facts are true. So what? Will that bring back my daughters? Will it bring back my wife?"
It makes people want to draw strength from you.
"What did I say that's different from others? And after the anger, what then? How did anger help anyone? Everyone who tells me they're angry about what happened to my family, let Yarden (Bibas) say it. Let's say he was angry - did that bring back Shiri and the kids? I live with my pain and loss alone."
The agonizing decision
Still, when he speaks of Lian, Noya, and Yahel, who were murdered that Saturday in Kibbutz Be'eri, he slows down, and his eyes fill with tears. "I thank them for every moment. I tell myself that if I had known this would be the outcome, I believe I would have fought, because we made a decision not to fight in the shelter, to protect them. In retrospect, it didn't help. I torment myself over that."
Do you have moments of breakdown?
"I don't really know what a breakdown is. I unload with my psychologist. I'm connected to the loss, to the mourning. I'm not in denial, but I'm not someone who falls apart. After the Passover Seder I went to the graves, I let it out for 15 minutes, and that was it. Life goes on. The sadness will accompany me everywhere - alongside life, not instead of it. That's who I am."
