You told me you were from Israel and when I commented that it's a difficult time for your country you said, "I left the army three days ago and have come to Nepal to clear my head." I was with my husband and you with your younger brother and as we were all trekking the same route we stayed in the same tea houses. This provided opportunities to chat and later you shared that you had been a reservist, had served continually since October 7th, and that both you and your brother intended to enlist in the army as soon as you returned home.
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I admired how you balanced stoicism with self-awareness enough to know that you needed to clear your head; projecting both strength and vulnerability. Although I was very curious about your recent experiences, I was keen to prioritize your emotional well-being, which is why, when you opened a conversation about arriving on-site on October 8, at that moment, I failed you. My response was a question that closed down the conversation; we were in a public space and my instinct was to protect you from emotionally exposing yourself. Unfortunately, on this occasion, my instinct was wrong. You honored me by attempting to share your experience and I let you down.
I should have trusted your judgment. You came to Nepal with a clear objective and identified me as someone you could share your experience with. Talking about our experiences is a valid way of processing our feelings, it helps us to create a narrative that makes sense, and it enables us to find some meaning or purpose to help us move forward. It's an excellent way of clearing our heads, especially if we find the right person to speak to and you have found the right person in me because I am a retired therapist. I possess the capacity to hear whatever you want to share, with empathy and without becoming overwhelmed. Your judgement was sound, my response was disappointing and I carry a deep regret that I let you down.
When you opened that conversation about arriving on site on October 8, my response should've been, What was that like for you? It's a simple question but one that would have opened the conversation, not closed it. It would have tacitly given you permission to share, as well as ensuring you retained control over how much to share. Crucially, it would have conveyed that I had the capacity to listen. This is what I should have said but instead, I got it wrong and for that, I apologize.
I expect that you have now enlisted and perhaps it's not the right time but, if and when you want to talk, then I will gladly listen. (You can reach out to the newspaper for my contact details.) Otherwise, please know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you well.
For other readers, if you have the capacity to hear about the traumatic experiences of others without being triggered yourself, then please learn from my mistake and remember to ask the simple question, What was that like for you? It's a difficult time for your country and I hope you find ways to help each other to heal.
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